A Backpacker’s Guide to Hostel Sex

Alcohol, anonymity, exotic locations and a lack of inhibitions; it’s going to happen. Holding hands you stumble back to your hostel, stealing glances, the occasional kiss and then it occurs to you; where do we go?
Hostel sex is one of those topics that a lot of people cringe at and yet the amount times I have been woken from my sleep just goes to show; someone is having hostel sex!

Balcony

A balcony can be also used to great effect. Slip on to the balcony, closing the curtains behind you. Your room mates will never know, unless you howl to the moon like a wolf. I’ve seen and heard things man…

Possible dangers: The world is your audience.

Outdoors

Some hostels have a roof. Some have a garden. You’re still ‘in’ the hostel but you get that great natural feeling with the breeze on your… *ahem*. Feeling more adventurous? Abandon the hostel altogether and head down the beach.

Possible dangers: Sand getting in places it isn’t meant to be.

Showers

A favourite in a lot of hostels, the showers offer privacy provided you keep the sound down. Use the girls, it smells better, apparently. For extra comfort check if the hostel has a disabled shower. It tends to have more room and handy ledges and handles.

Possible dangers: Slippery when wet.

Kitchen

Most hostel kitchens close after a certain time so provided you can get in you shouldn’t be disturbed. There is the potential that you might be interrupted by someone sneaking in a for midnight snack. But seriously, people eat in there and from what I have witnessed backpackers have no qualms about eating and preparing food on the kitchen surfaces. Is this really the right thing to do?

Possible dangers: That isn’t mayonnaise.

TV Room

This really does depend on the hostel. Some TV rooms are used more than others and some are more open. I would hope that you would be wise enough to use your own judgement. More practical than some of your other options; crank up the volume to drown out any sounds and use the sofas for comfort.

Possible dangers: Insomniacs.

Laundry Room

Normal people don’t tend to do their laundry at 2am making it an ideal hideout. For added thrills try turning on the washing machine.

Possible dangers: Security cameras. Some hostels have been known to have weekly viewings of the shameless acts of debauchery.

Storage Cupboard

Not exactly built for comfort but it serves its purpose. Unless you are short might be advisable to give this one a miss. They don’t tend to smell nice either. Better make it quick.

Possible dangers: Broomsticks, linen, bleach and other such objects falling from the shelves.

Dorm Room

This should really be a last resort and should only be used if the timing is right. Here’s a clue: if there are people in the room, it’s the wrong time! People are not above turning on the lights and shaming you or throwing things in your general direction. Return from a night out early and you should find the room empty.

Possible dangers: The guy who never goes out. There’s always one!

4 Comments

  • Fidel

    December 21, 2011

    Ha ha, good advice. I would say if the showers are unisex, that is probably the best place too.

  • Gap Year Escape

    May 24, 2012

    Good luck ticking them all off 😉

  • Will Peach

    July 22, 2012

    Excellent list, mate. Possible dangers really got me laughing!

  • Alex

    November 30, 2012

    I’m the dude who makes loud masturbating noises and eggs on the people having sex so they feel awkward enough to stop. If they are going to make me part of their ‘intimate’ experience, I’m sure as hell going to use it for my amusement.

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