21 Things You Never Want to Hear Your Flight Captain Say

Traveling via airplane is one of those highly sought after modern day luxuries that we often take for granted. In all reality, when you think about the other options one has of transporting themselves across great distances – or over large bodies of water – the latter seems quite fickle and outdated by comparison. However, it’s palpable to harbor certain concerns about the aircraft that is whisking you away at a few hundreds miles per hour as it creates noticeable white contrails in the sky while carving its carbon footprint in the atmosphere a few miles above the ground below.

Certainly, a trip to the airport can be quite an experience. While flying is certainly an amazing luxury – and one that allows us to be whisked away all over the globe, and something that is seemingly improving every day with more available flights, better trained staff, extremely talented pilots and well managed airlines that have doubled their customer appreciation efforts – there are some lines that we all as passengers would prefer to never hear uttered over the intercom while on board a transatlantic flight.

With this comedic reasoning in mind, here are some classic lines that have been heard, or that you never want to hear your flight captain say, when you are sitting in those narrow, funky-smelling seats ten rows back, crammed in the middle of your nonstop flight to Denver with a crying baby on one side of you, and an uncontrollable and hyperactive two year old on the other. On a high note, before delving in, flying is the safest form of transportation known to man, and well worth any minor inconveniences that may be experienced while in transit to your destination.

21 Things You Never Want to Hear Your Flight Captain Say

1. “It’s just an engine malfunction; we’ll be taking off shortly.”

2. “Houston … we have a problem.”

3. “Please remain seated while the Air Marshall removes the suspected terrorist from the aircraft.”

4. “We have some rough weather ahead, just one of the many miracles we see every day … we’ll see if we can manage to land this plane safely.”

5. “We are cleared for takeoff! Only 25 planes in line ahead of us!”

6. “Please de-board the plane; this aircraft has failed its preflight checks.”

7. “Does anybody know how many metric tons of fuel we need in order to safely make it all the way to Sydney?”

8. “The flotation devices are equipped underneath your seats, but chances are that when we hit the ocean at 2,000 miles per hour, they may become too damaged to use.”

9. “Rest assured, as your captain I come highly experienced … 200 hours in the flight simulator and FINALLY, I get some live flying experience!”

10. “Today’s flight is just over 15 hours to Sydney, please enjoy your in-flight movies today which are the ‘Final Destination’ series.”

11. “I never knew that the iPhone had a 747 auto pilot application … NIFTY!”

12. “Welcome to France, we hope you enjoyed your flight. Now if there is anyone who is fluent in French on the aircraft, please ask a flight attendant to escort you to the cabin; we are having a really hard time communicating with flight control in English.”

13. “We are GOING down … brace for impact!”

14. We are now last in line in the rotation for landing at LAX … once they have cleared the 30 planes ahead of us we will make our final approach.”

15. “We regret to inform you that our flight has been diverted to the closest major city.”

16. “Our arrival time has been DELAYED!”

17. “Please prepare for an emergency landing, I bet we will beat the paramedics by at least a half hour!”

18. “It’s going to be rough landing, but with some kind of luck we will get this beast on the ground safely.”

19. “Both engines are out, but our wings should allow us to safely glide into a nearby meadow that is adjacent to the airport.”

20. “Please remain seated until after we land and the bomb squad finishes clearing the aircraft.”

21. “Jenny Stokes in Seat 57 Row C … I put the aircraft on auto-pilot so we can come back and sing Happy Birthday to you.”

My name is Erica Gustafson and I am a freelance writer / consultant for Expedia. My job is to travel the world and write about my experiences.

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